Bad Motives For A Relationship

Are you single?  Have you recently broken up with someone?  Are you finding yourself wanting to get back into the dating pool?  Before taking a high dive into a potentially empty pool, take a deep dive into your mind to understand your motive for jumping back into one.  If your motive is one of the three below, think twice to ensure you avoid that jump into a waterless pool. 


Often times we want to get right back into another relationship because we fear being lonely.   If you have ever experienced loneliness, you know this feeling is the worst.   You are sad and anxious, as you have no clue what the future hold.  The patterns you developed with your partner have washed away leaving very little structure intact.  Everyone wants to feel connected and have a partner. Some will tell you they are happy being single however, deep down, they want someone.  We are social creatures and need that interaction.  We all do, some are afraid to admit it.  Maybe they feel this is a sign of weakness.  The key is understanding the difference between alone and being lonely.   When you are lonely and seeking a relationship, you will most likely take anyone who gives you some level of attention even when they are not good for you.  Loneliness is a feeling of pain.  Our minds are defaulted to seek out pleasures and stay away from pain.  When you feel lonely, you are highly susceptible to getting into a bad relationship and staying in it as you are now dependent upon the relationship to avoid that original feeling of loneliness, that pain.

When you are feeling lonely, try this little hack.  Because our purpose in life is to help others, try to focus on how you can help someone else.  When you do this, your brain begins to shift its focus away from yourself and onto others.  This not only reduces the time you feel lonely, it also provided a big boost to your happiness through helping others.

Before getting into another relationship, work with someone to help cure your loneliness.  Not doing so can add excessive stress to your new relationship because of the emotional baggage you bring with you.


Simply put, if you are jumping into another relationship out of revenge, you are not over your EX.  Lets be honest here.  This means that your last relationship is unresolved and will cause more emotional trouble for you AND the person you are dating out of revenge.  When we date for revenge, we try to essentially hurt our ex and try to avoid thinking about them.  When we do that, our focus on our EX becomes even stronger.  This leads to even more pain.  The only reason we want to hurt the other is that we feel they have hurt us.  At this point, what hurt us in no longer current, only the feeling we have associated with the past situation?  Instead of dating for revenge, take the time to focus on yourself.   It does seem fair to try to hurt others who have hurt you however, this only makes things worse and continues to empower your negative thoughts.  Avoid this at all cost, leave revenge to Karma!

Needing Love

Several years ago, I was in a relationship that went from one end of the spectrum to the other.  It was the best relationship I had ever had followed by the worst relationship I had ever had, all in the span of less than a year.  After we broke up, I took it upon myself to question my beliefs and assumptions about relationships.  One of the things I found about myself, in full disclosure, I was “NEEDING” a relationship.  It was not that I wanted a relationship, I needed it!  I needed a relationship like a drug addict needed their next high.  It was dangerous.   I made a decision to not date until I figured out what was wrong with me.  Over the next year, I spent a lot of time reflecting on my past and started reading books on happiness.  What I found was this, I NEEDED a relationship because I thought it would make me happy when it fact it’s not true.  First we must be happy and then we WANT a relationship.   If you feel like you need a relationship to become happy, evaluate why you feel that way.  Choose to get to a place where you want a relationship vs needing one.  Avoid developing the dependency of being in a relationship as a means for finding happiness.  You will not.  Be happy first, then date.   I assure you, life will be a lot different.