Be in check with the bank!

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Is your relationship struggling to stay afloat? Are you giving more than you are receiving?  You might want to check the bank statement of your love bank.

In a book written by Dr. Willard Harley,   he describes the love bank as an internal bank where deposits and withdrawals are made within our relationship.  Simply put, deposits are actions we do for our partner that provide a positive response.  For every good thing you do, you receive a deposit into the love bank.  When it comes to withdrawals, these are the actions that upset your partner and will withdrawal from the love bank.

As with your own personal/business bank account, you want more deposits than withdrawals. When actions withdraw more than the current amount of deposits, trouble quickly arrises and happiness is greatly affected.  This doesn't mean you close the account when you reach negative however, sometimes things happen and even the best people go into the negative.  The key to understanding if its time to exit a relationship or not is to evaluate how deep in the negative you go vs how big the deposits are  that can come in.  Does this happen often?  

When thinking about love bank deposits and withdrawals, each person values actions different.  Some people may value a kiss as $1 where as someone else values it at $10.  There is not a right or wrong amount, the only thing important is understanding the value of deposits for your partner.

The same goes for withdrawals.  Your partner values actions differently.  Forgetting to stop by the store could cost you a few dollars for one person however trivial for another.  If your partner always wants a response to a call or a text message and you forget, that would withdraw whatever amount they would place on that miss.

The higher the balance is in your partners love bank, the more they feel loved by you and the more likely the small withdrawals will not become fatal to the relationship.  If one person in the relationship continues to make withdraws from their partners love bank yet they don't make any deposits, this is where one needs to think deeply about continuing this relationship.  Like a CEO evaluating a negative bank account.  Something will have to give.  Either deposits needs to be made quickly or the relationship has a high likelihood of failing.  John notes the best ratio for happy couples is 5:1.  That means partners are giving $5 in deposits for every $1 in withdraws.  

The moral of the story?  Give as much as you can.  Write them notes, tell them you love them, hug them, hold their hand, listen to them.. to name a few.  Obviously, avoid withdraws as much as possible.

If you are stuck in your relationship, evaluate your relationship from this perspective.  If you do not receive any (or very little) deposits yet your partner keeps withdrawing, its time to consider closing that bank account. I can't stress enough, having conversations about what your partner values.  Oftentimes, we assume we know what our partner wants by what we want personally.  This is where we usually get it wrong.  Go ahead, and ask.  It is easier to make deposits if you know what they are for your partner.

Good luck!

You can find his book here.